Biblical Conflict Resolution
Contents:
Introduction
Conflict happens whenever people gather – in families, in churches, at work, and in communities at large. In churches, members are having disagreement among themselves; elder-deacon board and ministers are having conflict. In workplace, it is not uncommon for colleagues to fight with each other because of misunderstandings and conflict of interest. Therefore, conflict is nothing new, it occurs everywhere.
How should we handle
conflict? First, let’s define what is conflict? Cambridge Dictionary defines it
as “an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles.”[1]
The word “conflict” is not found in the Bible, the expressions of conflict are
common, and there are called with different names such as: anger, complaints,
divisions, arguments, disagreements, and so on.
When dealing with
people, we must deal with each other who are different in motivation, thought,
feeling and behavior. This is accepted as our psychological make up is
different. As the world is imperfect,
and we are also imperfect, and with the existence of sin in the world, conflict
naturally erupted. The occurrence of conflict usually brings in discomfort and
discord. However, conflict is not a bad thing by itself, and conflict becomes a
bad thing when conflict is not properly managed. So, we must overcome the notion that conflict
is "bad." To demand superficially false harmony and not to deal with
conflict, we are not resolving the root problem. If conflict is handled well,
it enhances closer relationship and productivity. At the end of the conflict,
relationship could be strengthened, and the organization can have new goal so
that it can soar to a new height.
In this article,
we will look at two forms of conflict management resolution. We will touch
briefly the secular one, Thomas-Kilmann conflict model. However, we will spend
most of the page on a conflict resolution which is in harmony with the Word of
God, and it is called the “Biblical Conflict Resolution.”
I. Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Thomas-Kilmann
conflict model is well accepted in the secular world. This model of conflict management identifies
five models of handling conflict: competing, collaborating, compromising,
avoiding, and accommodating. This secular model lists 2 kinds of reaction to a
conflict represented by the two axes: the vertical axis your assertiveness and
objective, and the horizontal axis your relationship. The vertical axis is
achieving your own objective, that is, you assert your own interest, concern,
and value. The horizontal axis is about the quality of your relationship with
your opponent, whether you cooperate with your opponent or disagree.
What is the
biggest concern Thomas-Kilmann conflict model? Both parties in a conflict will rival
with one another, with the ultimate aim to ensure that the winner is on their
side. As a Christian, there is another important condition in dealing with
conflict and it is completely ignored in this secular conflict resolution, which
is the compliance to the will of God. The secular conflict resolution is totally based
on personal biases according to individual objective, liking and personality
makeup. This model assumes that some
people prefer a certain type of conflict resolution, and moral obligation is
totally ignored.
This secular
model of conflict resolution is totally based on the “me first mentality”. In
the model of collaborating, the mutually agreed resolution does not mention
about God’s will. If the mutually agreed collaboration is outside of God’s
will, should Christians accept it?
II. Biblical Conflict Resolution
As we have
mentioned earlier on, the secular Thomas-Kilmann conflict model has no
consideration on Christian world view. Let's look at the Great Commandment in
Matthew 22:37-40, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your
soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And
the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the
Prophets hang on these two commandments.” the Great Commandment expects us to
love God and love man. Another Bible verse demands Christians to fulfill God’s
will in our lives: “May your kingdom come soon; May your will be done on earth,
as it is in heaven." (Matthew 6:10 NIV) Therefore, Christians should deal
with conflict resolution differently from non-Christians. Thomas-Kilmann
conflict model must reflect the spirit of the Great Commandment, and Matthew
6:10.
If we want to
incorporate the Great Commandment of Matthew 22:37-40 and Matthew 6:10 into the
Thomas-Kilmann conflict model, God’s will must be set as priority to comply by
the two parties of the conflict. God's will must prioritize both in the
vertical axis and horizontal axis of the conflict resolution. Therefore, the
two axes of the conflict management model, which represent their respective
interests and goals, should represent the ultimate goal of God's righteousness.
All decisions must reflect the fulfillment of God's will in keeping with the
spirit of the Lord's Prayer, "May your will be done on earth, as it is in
heaven" (Matthew 6:10 NIV). With God’s will is set as priority in handling
conflict, this model of conflict resolution will be named as “Biblical Conflict
Resolution”. One website that I wish to give credit when writing my paper of “Biblical
Conflict Resolution” is “Delight in the Lord.”[2]
The author of “Delight in the Lord” publishes their conflict resolution as “Christian
Conflict Management". This article
provides many constructive insights for me to write my article.
III. Biblical Competing
There is a
particular kind of conflict that requires you to stand for the truth, and to
challenge your neighbor. This is called biblical competing model of Biblical
Conflict Resolution. To use biblical competing model of conflict management to resolve
conflict, it can be very stressing to the user, but you are compelled to do it
to uphold truth and to put the wrong to a stop.
In such conflict,
your neighbor is not acting in accordance with God’s will, and if you resort to
collaborating model, you are compromising the truth and not satisfying the will
of God. In the end, you are not holding up God’s truth, and you compromise.
In the above
scenario, if you resort to accommodating model of conflict management, you will
be giving up the will of God and you no longer upholding God’s truth. You will
be seen as someone who is not firm enough to uphold truth, and your leadership
style will be questioned.
Let’s look at an
example of biblical competing model in the Scripture in Galatians: “When Cephas
came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For
before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when
they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles
because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The
other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even
Barnabas was led astray. When I saw that they were not acting in line with the
truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, ‘You are a Jew, yet
you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force
Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?’” (Gal. 2:11-14)
The above description
revealed hypocrisy of Peter. Before the arrival of the Jewish Christians from
Jerusalem, Peter was having meal with gentile believers. When Peter saw the
arrival of Jewish Christians from Jerusalem, Peter was seen avoiding those
gentile Christians and did not have meal with these gentle Christians. Paul was
sensitive to such hypocrisy as it jeopardized the unity of the church. His action
also caused others to follow suit. When
Paul found out that Peter had not acted according to the truth of the gospel,
he rebuked him sternly before all. In Paul's eyes, Peter's actions not only
violated the truth of unity of the church, but he also misled other Christians.
Therefore, in the context of upholding the truth, Paul used biblical competing
model of conflict management to challenge Peter, so that the truth could be
uphold.
When we encounter
people who are acting against the truth of the Bible, we must be bold like Paul
to correct them. While we uphold the truth of the gospel, we are also helping
the body of Christ to return to the right path. But we must remember to
"speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) and never slander others
with evil words.
IV. Biblical Collaborating
Base on Biblical Conflict Resolution, both parties who are
involved in a conflict must prioritized God’s will to resolve their conflict.
Both parties must ensure that the interest of each other be taken care. As Paul
says in Philippians, " Let each of you look not only to his own interests,
but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4 ESV). Therefore, if your neighbor’s
objective is within the will of God and your objective is not within the will
of God, you should choose accommodation as the first option to end the
conflict. However, if both parties are within the will of God, both parties
must accommodate with each other, and the conflict will transform into
cooperation, hence called biblical collaborating model in Biblical Conflict
Resolution. In the model of biblical collaborating model, God’s will for both
parties is taken care of, and it is a win-win scenario.
When both parties are within the will of God, and one of the
parties were to opt for an avoidant approach, he is going against God's will.
He is in fact holding grudges against his brother, and the Bible teaches that
if he disagrees with his brother, he should make peace with him (Matthew
5:23-24). Otherwise, his spiritual life will be affected.
On another scenario, if one of the parties were to adopt a
competing approach, then he clashes with the teaching of loving your neighbor
as yourself. You may win, and your goal is achieved, however your spiritual
life is affected and your relationship with God and man are also hurt.
In dealing with the conflict between Euodia and Syntyche,
Paul adopted biblical collaborating model of Biblical Conflict Resolution to
resolve their conflict. In order to help the Philippians to deal with the
conflict, Paul wrote a letter requesting the two sides of the conflict to
accept one another, hence adopting biblical collaborating model to resolve
their conflict: “I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord.
Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have laboured side
by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow
workers, whose names are in the book of life” (Philippians 4:2-3).
The conflict between these two co-workers was not about right
and wrong, both were within God’s will, it is the matter of personality differences.
Paul was recognized as an apostle of no nonsense; he would not tolerate wrong.
Obviously, the conflict of the two co-workers was not the matter of truth, but
of personality conflict. None of them could live up to the meaning of their
names, Euodia means "pleasant journey" and Syntyche means "good
luck". They did not reflect the meaning of their names. In a worst
scenario, their conflict caused the church to take side, causing potential
church split which required the attention of Paul to address it.
How did Paul address the crisis? Paul admonished both
parties to acknowledge each other better than themselves: “…in humility count
others more significant than yourselves” (Phil. 2:3). Not only to see that your
neighbor is better than yourself, but also to consider the interests of your neighbor,
" Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests
of others” (Philippians 2:4). Simply put, Paul wanted both sides to accommodate
each other and pursue a win-win solution to their conflict as both parties are
in accordance with God's will. Such a win-win solution is in the interest of
both sides, and God's will can be maintained in the biblical collaborating model
of conflict management. Biblical collaborating model will endure both sides of
the conflict to please Paul and to , “complete my joy by being of the same
mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. (Philippians
2:2).
V. Biblical Accommodating
When your
objective is not in agreement with God’s will, but your neighbor’s objective is
in line with God’s will, you must sacrifice your objective, and humbly confess
your wrong to God. To resolve the conflict, you choose to sacrifice your own
objective and graciously accept your neighbor’s objective to end the conflict.
This is called biblical accommodating model of Biblical Conflict Resolution.
If your objective
is not in line with God’s
will, but your neighbor is in line, and you insist your objective to be
accepted by your neighbor, you become a stumbling block. As a stumbling block,
you must remind yourself of giving account to God one day, “So then, each of us
will give an account of ourselves to God…Instead, make up your mind not to put
any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister” (Rom.
14:12-13). In a conflict,
your unwillingness to relinquish your own objective that is not in line with
God’s will, it only reveals your stubbornness and carnality, and you do not
possess fruit of the Holy Spirit “to keep the unity of the Spirit through the
bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3).
It is even worse
if your objective is not in line with God’s will, you compel your neighbor to
accept your plan, and force through a plan of collaborating. By doing so, you stumble
your neighbor to share your wrong and cause your neighbor to sin. God obviously
will not bless such plan.
The dietary
problems faced by the Corinthian church is a conflict that required to use biblical
accommodating model to resolve. Let's take a closer look:
“‘I have the
right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the
right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek
their own good, but the good of others. Eat anything sold in the meat market
without raising questions of conscience, for, ‘The earth is the Lord’s, and
everything in it.’ If an unbeliever
invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you
without raising questions of conscience. But if someone says to you, ‘This has
been offered in sacrifice,’ then do not eat it, both for the sake of the one
who told you and for the sake of conscience. I am referring to the other
person’s conscience, not yours. For why is my freedom being judged by another’s
conscience? If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced
because of something I thank God for? So whether you eat or drink or whatever
you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether
Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everyone in every
way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be
saved.” (1 Cor. 10:23-33)
Paul says that as
believers, we have freedom, but we must be considerate in our words and deeds
that we do not stumble people. In Corinth, most of the meat sold in the market
at that time was offered to the idol, and some believers in Corinth were having
the impression that those meat should not be consumed. Here Paul taught the
Corinthians that there was nothing wrong with food itself because everything in
the world belonged to God. When eating, there was no need to question whether
those meat was offered to the idol for conscience’s sake. When they attended
dinner invitations, they were not required to question the source of the meat
whether it was offered to idol. However, if someone said that the food was
offered to idol, then for his neighbor conscience’s sake, the food should be
refrained from consuming.
Christians are
free in their diet, but we must not let others to stumble because of our
freedom, nor let our freedom to cause uneasiness in the conscience of others.
If our freedom causes people to stumble, our freedom does not glorify God. Paul
teaches us to imitate the love of Christ, to be sensitive to the feelings of
others, and whatever things we do, we must consider not only our own interest,
but the interest of others.
In dealing with
people who have weak conscience, we should be extra careful not to become
stumbling block to the weak. We should forbear one another and be more
tolerant. This will ensure we are not the stumbling block to non-essential
issues, as the saying goes, “In essentials unity, in non-essential we have
liberty, in all things charity.”
Therefore, we
choose to go along with the conscience of our neighbor and give up eating
certain food, not because it is right or wrong to eat them, but because we do
not stumble people. This is called biblical accommodating model of Conflict
Resolution.
VI. Biblical Avoiding
In a conflict
when both parties are not in agreement to God’s will, biblical avoiding
approach should be used to resolve the conflict. As both parties are outside of God’s will,
there is only one option to the conflict: avoiding. Both parties should calm
down, and to reconcile by confessing each other’s sins, and to have peace with
God and with each other.
After a period of
cooling effect, two parties of the conflict should resolve their differences by
opting for biblical collaborating or biblical accommodating approaches to resolve
the conflict, so that the will of God shall rule. After the reconciliation, the
previous element of conflict may have resolved, then it is much easier to resort
to other biblical models of conflict management to resolve the conflict.
However, if one
party is in accordance with God's will, this biblical avoiding model is not
suitable. By insisting using avoiding model to resolve the conflict, you are
violating the other party’s interest, that you want the other party not to
comply with God’s will. By doing do, you are committing sin, and not doing the
will of God is sinning. In this scenario, you cannot use the world rhetoric of
agreeing to disagree, which is in fact telling your neighbor though his
objective is righteous, you still do no accommodating it, so you are in fact
holding grudges against your neighbor.
As mentioned
earlier, biblical avoiding model can only be used in one option, i.e., both
parties are not in the will of God, you should flee, and David adopted the
option in 1 Samuel 18:10-11.
In the conflict between
David and King Saul, both parties could cause each other’s death. When Saul threw
his spear at David, Saul could become a killer, and killing an innocent person
was obviously outside of God’s will: “The next day an evil spirit from God came
forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing
the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it,
saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice” (1
Samuel 18:10-11).
If you were
David, and when the spear was fired and speeding at you, what will you do? You
will move forward, and maneuver to catch the spear and to throw it back, to pin
King Saul. Everybody is doing it, so it is nothing new under heaven to do such maneuver.
If you are retaliating in such manner, you are no better than King Saul, in
fact you are King Saul the second, congratulation! David did not do it, as he
did not want to hurt the Lord’s anointed, for it was not God’s will. He dodged:
“Saul…threw the spear at him twice; but David dodged each time” (1 Sam. 18:11
GNT). Although David dodged Saul's spear twice, Saul's conflict with David did
not stop. Finally, David had to avoid him all together by going into exile: “Saul
tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove
the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape (1 Samuel 19:10).
Throwing spear may not occur in civilized world. However, shout to each other is often exhibited in Christian leadership meetings, and it is nothing new. If you are engaged with the crossfire of shouting session, how do you want to react? Taking for example, your neighbor initiated the shouting session, and when your neighbor is acting in such manner, obviously it is not according to God’s will. However, when you are caught in the crossfire, it is common to retaliate and to shout back. Everyone is doing it, and if you do not do it, you will be seem by others as a weakling. Every bold person will react by shouting back! By shouting back, you demonstrate that you are no different from your neighbor, and you are not acting accordance to God’s will, “to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3). So, what should you do when you are caught in the crossfire of shouting in a meeting? You should adopt biblical avoiding model to resolve the conflict, and one method is to give an excuse saying that you have an emergency, and you need to visit the bathroom. When you are in such scenario, you are left only with one option: flee. Biblical avoiding model is the only option left, and by avoiding it will not cause you to sin, and it will not offend God.
VII. Seek and Pray
In dealing with conflict, if the four models of Biblical
Conflict Resolution do not fit into the situation, and any decision to resolve
the conflict may endanger the truth, and not fulfil the will of God, it will
leave us to deal with the conflict with the final model: pray and seek the
Lord. Both sides of the conflict must
calm down and not make any decision that would erode each other’s interest,
and not complying to God's will. As Christian, pray and seek is to surrender
the sovereignty to God, and let Him work His way in our lives.
As the conflicting parties are seeking God, and pray for God’s
guidance, confessing your fault with one another is obviously the right things
to do. It is an act of wisdom for overlook offense, “A person’s wisdom yields
patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11) In your
perception, your neighbor may offend you, and you feel that you are facing
injustice. When you understand why God allows these things to happen to you,
you can forgive the one who has sinned against you. Remember Matthew 5:9 of his
promise: " Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children
of God.”
We are to remember that vengeance is from the Lord: “Do not
take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is
written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to
drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be
overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:19-21). Though you are
treated unfairly, and when you react your unfair treatment with grace and forgiveness,
God will show his grace on you to bless you.
Pray and seek God is to surrender the sovereignty back to
God, and we declare that God is in control regardless of the circumstances. As
we seek God, God will give us the empowerment to set us free from our subjective
viewpoint, and we will transform to be more objective in our outlook, and we
are more ready to accept biblical approach to resolve the conflict.
Conclusion
We have
investigated thoroughly with the secular Thomas-Kilmann conflict model, and we
discover that this secular model is built upon “me first mentality”, Christian
value is excluded from this secular model. We have devised a new conflict
resolution based on the Great Commandment to love God and man (Matt. 22:37-40),
and to prioritize God’s will as stated in Matthew 6:10, and it is called the
Biblical Conflict Resolution. Its ultimate objective is to fulfill God’s will both
for yourself and your neighbor. The Biblical Conflict Resolution abandons
self-centered goals in favor of a Christ-centered goal, with God’s will to be
fulfilled. Thus, the Biblical Conflict
Resolution is a better conflict management model to be used to resolve conflict
among Christians.
[1]
Cambridge Dictionary, https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english-chinese-simplified/conflict,
accessed on 6.9.2022 8.23am.
[2]
Delight in the Lord, https://ditl.wordpress.com/2011/07/24/christian-conflict-management/,
accessed on 5.9.2022 12.43pm.
A good article! Keep it up.
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